I was driving a friend and her two little girls across a bridge connecting several small islands in Florida when the thought hit me. What if you swerved off the road and into the ocean? Once I thought it, it consumed me. My vision started closing in, my throat tightened, my heart raced. What are you supposed to do if you are in a car underwater? I remembered watching some video about how to kick out the window… but which one? How could I save the girls? What about sharks?? In a split second I went from enjoying the beauty of the view to planning four tragic funerals.
I was working at a huge music store in the mall when a man walked in who looked just like my abusive stepfather. Without even realizing what I was doing, I found myself crouched in the employee bathroom, dizzy with panic and trying to hold back sobs.
I was on a plane, flying out of the country for the very first time on my honeymoon and I realized I didn’t know where my passport was. My (brand new) husband pulled it out of his bag, smiled, and put it back. Five minutes later, I realized he could have dropped it as he was putting it away and asked to see it again. Just to check. There it was. But then… because I literally couldn’t not ask him, I needed to see it again, just to be sure. Super sure. Extra, very, over the top sure that I had my passport.
Let me introduce you to my ever-present companion: anxiety.
Anxiety makes sure I have thought of every possible situation and how it could go horribly wrong. She gives me little nudges to check things; the stove, seatbelts on kids, my hair, the stove, my wallet, my phone, the stove, the doors are locked, the alarm is set, the stove. Anxiety has shown me all the horrific ways my children could die. Anxiety has kept me up at night. She has stopped me from crossing the room to talk to someone new.
Have you ever heard that people who are naturally good at math often struggle to teach it? It’s this idea that if something comes really easily to you, you might have a hard time explaining the “how” to someone who struggles to understand it.
That’s me and anxiety.
Well, it’s also me with math, but for now we’re just talking anxiety.
I’ve been anxious for as long as I can remember.
However, after three decades of being nearly consumed by this ever-present dread, I can confidently say, God is walking me into freedom.
I haven’t arrived, I don’t know that arriving is fully possible for me on this side of heaven, but I find myself further and further down a road that has better sleep, takes more risks (and allows my children to take risks), and is in general more at peace with however the cookie crumbles.
I think in order to be free from it, we have to start by recognizing what anxiety is, and that it is not the enemy.
Anxiety is our body’s response to a perceived threat. In healthy doses it protects us. But when it becomes constant, it stops protecting us and starts imprisoning us. Typically our heart rate increases, our breathing becomes more shallow, and our senses go on high alert to try to detect the threat. Many people who live with chronic anxiety learn early on that the world isn’t safe. Something in our past trained us to stay in a constant state of hyper-vigilance. Anxiety showed up to help us when we needed it, and somehow it became a pattern we turned to and a loop we got stuck in.
All of us have coping patterns we turn to rather than Jesus. There’s no avoiding it in this broken world. But our Father loves us enough not to leave us in our coping. He knows it’s not actually working anyway, you probably know that, too. Jesus says in Matthew 6 that each day has enough trouble of its own. We know overthinking a problem doesn’t fix it, but simply saying, “don’t worry” doesn’t quite do the trick, am I right?
For me, this journey has been long and painful, but worth it. For me, that root went all the way back to childhood.
I had to begin by tracing the roots of anxiety back to a horrible time in my life as a little girl when I was the victim of sexual abuse. With the help of an amazing and biblical therapist, I was able to open long-closed doors in my memory and bravely face them armed with truth and hope. It hurt. But the burden that was lifted from my heart changed my life.
I found myself peeling back layers of my fears and uncovering the lie at the root. When I peeled back the layers, I kept finding the same lie underneath:
You’re unlovable.
You’re broken.
You’re a disappointment.
The fruit growing from those roots was toxic.
But we have been grafted into a new Tree. The hope in the here and now is that the Holy Spirit is transforming us into who we were always meant to be. Sons and daughters who are fully known and fully loved. Image bearers of God who reflect His attributes to the world.
By being willing to step into the darkness, Jesus shined light into broken places in my heart. He brought healing and clarity. The darkness wasn’t darkness anymore. The horrible thing still happened. Horrible things will still happen. But I can face tomorrow because I know Who is holding me.
Like Habakkuk 3:18 says after listing a myriad of everything going wrong, “Yet I will celebrate in the Lord; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!”
Even if… Fill in the blank. Even if your worst nightmare comes to be reality, God is a God of hope. He keeps us close. He gives us what we need. He can bring meaning and purpose from the pain, even though it was caused by a broken world. Nothing limits His goodness. Not abuse, not suicide, not abortion, not alcoholism, not infidelity, not addiction… not any dark thing you might be hiding in darkness. He will go with you, He will shine light, and He will overcome it. For you.
That’s how much God loves you.
There is hope to be free from anxiety. I promise. And so does your good Father.
Grace + Peace.
Taking it further:
- What situations or thoughts most often trigger anxiety in your life, and what might those reactions reveal about deeper fears or beliefs in your heart?
- When you peel back the layers of your anxiety, what messages or lies do you find yourself believing about God, others, or yourself?
- What would it look like for you to invite Jesus into one anxious place in your life this week and trust Him with whatever outcome you fear most?