“While biblical truth is the basis for all godly counsel, knowing truth and applying it is not the same thing. It’s vital to know how to take truth and push it into the hard places of your own life if you desire to help others.” – Pastor Kevin Carson
I remember that day like it was yesterday. We had been through many church hurts during our time in ministry, but none like this. This time felt different. It did not feel like the hurt that comes from someone sinning against us out of fear and survival. This time, it was personal, calculated, and deeply painful because of the relationship that was being shattered. Billy had asked me during previous seasons of hurt about my seeking Biblical counseling. I rebelled against that idea. I was a believer who had grown up in the church, been on the mission field, and had been in ministry for more years than I could count. I knew the Bible. I did not need anyone’s help to get through this. I could manage it on my own if I prayed hard enough and figured out the right Scripture to read.
I knew my answer hurt and worried him, but he stayed quietly watching and praying as I wrestled alone with my pain. Sunday after Sunday, I walked back into the church and faced the person causing such damage to my spirit. I tried to forgive. I tried to fix the relationship, but nothing was working. Billy did not feel that God was leading us to leave, so I was stuck in this painful nightmare. Falling…falling…falling…deeper into depression, bitterness, and hurt. I remember the day I finally went to my husband and told him I needed help. He was ready with that help. A local church where he was getting his MDIV had a robust counseling ministry, and one of the Pastor’s wives was ready and waiting for me.
I want to be transparent with you. My first time driving up to the church to meet with Janet was embarrassing. Here I was, a pastor’s wife, and I couldn’t handle this myself. I felt like a failure. Janet met me with a hug, compassion, and a joyful attitude of hope. She cut right to the chase, asking me a very important question. “Do you believe God is good?” If any question was set up for a church answer, that question was. Yes, I do believe God is good. Whew! This counseling stuff is going to be easy. Then she asked me another question. One that knocked the wind right out of me. “Do you believe God is good to you?” All of a sudden, I was crying and not one of those delicate, ladylike cries, but snot-dripping, chest-gasping-for-air, weeping cries. I did not believe that God was good to me, and I so desperately wanted to believe that. Believing God is good to me would mean there was a purpose for my hurting. It would mean God had a plan for all of this pain and destruction. I had to tell Janet no. I didn’t believe God was good to me. She smiled and said, good, let’s start there.
For weeks, I met with Janet to realign my theology of God. Nothing she told me was new to me, but somehow, at some time, my view of God had shifted away from the truth of Scripture and became warped with a worldview I never wanted. At the end of our time together, Janet let me know that an eleven-week counseling class was starting and that she wanted me to join. Just in case I had any objections, her church had already paid for the class and books. My time of counseling was coming to an end, but my time learning to counsel was just beginning. Over the 
last ten years, I have attended many training sessions, read many counseling books, and am now pursuing my Master’s in Biblical Counseling. As a pastor’s wife, it is not only important for me to be able to help others with God’s word, but also to know how to help myself.
Here is my list of heart-check questions that I used when I went through the horrible church hurt that resulted in us leaving that ministry. These questions not only helped me get lined back up with God, but also allowed me to trust and wait on the Lord for what was next, and to genuinely offer forgiveness to the person who hurt us. I was even able to repent to them of my own anger and bitterness. While in the middle of hard situations, it is important not to keep our focus on the hurt and the hard, but to keep our focus on “things above”. When our focus is on God, His plan, and our future hope, we don’t need to be stuck in the hard parts of ministry. We can address the hurts and make sure we are moving forward in our own relationship with God. I keep these questions in my day planner and get them out frequently to work through many ministry hurts and confusions. I encourage you to use these questions to journal through any hurts you are experiencing.
- What is the situation? What is true about what is happening and what is true about God’s character (Ex. 34:6-7 to start)?
- How am I responding to the situation? This is where I take an honest look not only at my actions but also at my thoughts (Rom. 12:2).
- What do I want (Prov. 4:23; James 4:1-10)? If I could have anything in this situation, what would it be? Peace? Acceptance? Justice? Am I willing to act/respond sinfully to get what I want?
- If I am willing to sin to get what I want, what are the possible consequences of my actions or thoughts? How will they affect God? My family? My church? Myself?
- What SHOULD I be wanting (Deut. 6:5-6; Ps. 51:10)? What would that look like in this situation?
- What does the Bible say about my situation and what my response should be (Heb. 4:12; James 1:2-4; 1 Peter 5:10)?
- What are the possible consequences both now and in eternity if I please the Lord in this situation (2 Cor. 5:9; Prov. 16:7; Eph. 6:7-8)?
- In light of all of this, and knowing I want to please the Lord, what should I do now?
Sweet sister in Christ and fellow pastor’s wife, if you are struggling in ministry right now, please reach out through email or by posting in the Facebook Group. You are not alone. You have other pastors’ wives who know exactly what you are going through, and we want to be there for you. If you feel you need Biblical counseling and don’t know where to start, reach out, and we will help you find the resources you need.
Taking it Further:
Books I recommend:
- The Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent
- The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness by Timothy Keller
- Gospel Treason by Brad Bigney
- The Biblical Counseling Guide for Women by John and Janie Street
- Putting Your Past in Its Place by Steve Viars
- Pursuing Peace by Robert Jones