Marriage is Kingdom Work

There are seasons when ministry asks for everything, and our marriages silently bear the cost.

No one is more sold out for their church than the pastoral couple God has called to shepherd it. No one is more invested in seeing that flock flourish, to grow and mature in the faith, to reach their community with the hope of God’s love.

And when we are that committed, when we are that deeply connected with our hearts and lives, it is easy to sacrifice our marriage on the altar of ministry.

There will always be a crisis, an illness, a need. The sheep will never stop needing a shepherd. And we, as a wife to the pastor and a partner in ministry, hold the sacred assignment of loving and caring for that shepherd. Making our marriage a priority isn’t optional; it is essential to the health of the church.

Protecting the promise we made however many years ago is what sustains the calling to which we have received.

Marriage is kingdom work, not a distraction from it.

Years ago when our four kids were all little and we didn’t have a lot of free time or expendable income, we would take advantage of our church’s evening kids’ program for a date night rather than serving in that program.

Not everyone understood the importance of that hour and a half, kid-free, walking through the grocery store having uninterrupted conversation. There were people who expected us to serve, lead, and facilitate every time the church doors were open. They wanted to interpret the word “ministry” for us.

And the thing is, it’s tempting to give in to that pressure. In general in our culture, even Christian culture, prioritizing your spouse is not the norm. We’re swimming upstream when we choose him over the noise demanding our time and attention.

And within the church, there are very “good” reasons to fill our schedule and our thought life with the needs of others. It is so easy to allow our emotional capacity to reach its limit and come home with nothing left to give. We must know our yes and our no. We must not allow other people to become our Holy Spirit. And if your ministry roles have caused you to outsource your marital joy, you are about to experience far more damage to the church than the cost of one less person listening to memory verses once a week.

Not everyone will understand and applaud your decision to prioritize your marriage, which is why we answer to an audience of One. And He calls the promise to leave and cleave very good.

When we have tilled the soil of our marriage, when our home is a place of refreshment and abundance, that health will spill over into the church. We will see that fruit in our husband’s sermons, counseling sessions, and his courage in the face of criticism.

Ministry will always feel urgent; God is glorified when our marriage is nurtured.

There are seasons when the call can’t or shouldn’t be ignored. Shepherding a flock means keeping hours that most people don’t keep. It means carrying heavy burdens that are often unseen and unknown.

As wives in this role, we know there will be interrupted dinners. We know meetings will run late. We know hospital visits will end in tears and an emotionally drained husband.

Part of being the soft place for our guy to land is giving him space to be a needy, tired human in our arms. Prioritizing our marriage doesn’t mean neglecting the cost of leading a church. The way we respond when church interrupts life will reveal our own state of health. A full cup is able to pour into an empty one. If our marriage is flourishing, times of high demands won’t shake the foundation.

God will never ask us to sacrifice our covenant for the good of the Kingdom. If you are in that place today and marriage feels hollow, remember that redemption is God’s favorite story. In His hands nothing is hopeless. Good fruit always starts underground. 

Living in the abundance God promises us means we should be more than two ships passing in the night. We’re not roommates or coworkers. We are two souls bound together. We have become one. We can live with passion and delight in each other.

God can breathe life into your marriage.

Practically, here are a few things I’ve done to protect, invest, and revive my marriage.

• Buy new pajamas. I’m not saying sexy (I need to be able to walk into a kitchen full of teenage boys in the morning), but something that feels good on your skin and you feel beautiful in. Baggy sweats and old band t-shirts (my go to) might be impacting your bedtime vibes more than you realize.
• Believe the best about your husband. When he’s not texting you back right away, or is running late, or forgot to tell you people are coming over for dinner tonight, don’t hold it against him. Believe he has good intentions and give him grace to make mistakes. Keep your heart soft towards him. A dear friend gave the advice, “Speak to your husband the way you hope your future daughter-in-law speaks to your son.”
• Date him. Beyond the grocery store. Play together. Even if it’s something that is typically only fun to him, find a way to participate. Roller skate together, ski, hike, do mad libs, watercolor, go see a comedian live, do something that makes you laugh and feel alive, and don’t talk about church while you’re doing it. 
• Pray for each other before sleep. Every night, it’s often the same handful of words, but it’s our last connection of the day, and we invite God into it. We place each other in His hands. 

As you step into this flourishing marriage era, there will be critics. Give them grace. Use this as an opportunity to encourage them in their assignments; whether they are married or single, God has abundance for them. Trust the Holy Spirit in them. 

Taking it further:

Do you feel as if your marriage is flourishing? If not, what needs to change? How can the way you love your husband impact your ministry and your church?