A few years ago, Janet Newberry, founder of John 15 Academy, posted something on social media that ended with the simple, yet profound, statement: “Living loved changes everything.”
I felt my breath catch. I read it again: “Living loved changes everything.”
My mind immediately began replaying a movie reel of all the ways I had been changing as I experientially learned this very truth. Through the deep valleys God had led my family and me in recent years—especially since our forced termination—I had been surprised by how profoundly living from a secure resting place with Him was reshaping everything. One of the truths He gently yet firmly pressed into my soul came from 1 John 4:18–19: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…” (NASB) I had spent nearly two years meditating on that verse, recalling how it once hung on a decorative plate at my grandma’s house. As a child, I was intrigued by it, but if I’m honest, I couldn’t begin to understand how it could possibly be true. That verse followed me for decades—often haunting more than comforting—because I’d constantly wonder, “If perfect love casts out fear, and I have God’s love, then why is my fear still here?”
But as healing came—through the slow work of meditation, wrestling, sitting with the Lord (and with my Christian therapist)—I began to believe something I never could before: God loves me simply because I am.
In that sacred realization, fear loosened its grip. I experienced the fullness of His love—apart from any human qualification.
I no longer needed to prove myself.
I no longer needed to perform tasks (or a thousand of them) to earn His approval.
I had truly come to know, truly and deeply, that I was fully loved.
And that was enough.
When that truth settled into my bones, my whole operating system shifted: the way I thought about myself and others, the way I worked, the way I rested, the way I interacted with strangers, even the way I organized my calendar!
Nothing was the same.
I knew what Janet Newberry meant in writing those words because I had experienced it in living color: Living loved changes everything – including our service.
The problem I’ve encountered now, however, is that day in and day out, I sit across from pastors’ wives who haven’t experienced this deep, transformational love yet— they don’t know how it can change everything – including their service.
Precious pastors’ wives sit with tears in their eyes or frustration in their heart describing desperate situations which demonstrate a compulsion to “do more,” to “be more faithful,” to “support their husbands more,” and “set a good example” for their children.
These all sound good – and they can be good, but they can also be, well … bad.
These same women resist rest and tell me “I can’t take a sabbath. I don’t get a day off.” Sometimes, their martyrdom is worn like a badge of honor—listing all the things they’ve “had to” do, ignoring the command to rest as if it was a holier choice. If not feeling selfish or martyrdom, they simply ignore their physical limitations. They regularly give beyond their human capacity, to the detriment of their health and their relationships. We can all do this for a while, but after years leading into decades of this, it will lead to what many pastors’ wives experience: autoimmune disease, diabetes, heart disease, or other chronic inflammation diseases. Not even Jesus kept up this lifestyle of the typical American pastors’ wife!
Yet, she continues to believe she doesn’t do enough—or worse, that she’s not enough.
The weight of these self-imposed expectations and false beliefs about God’s expectations is crushing them.
Whether serving with quiet strength behind the scenes or visibly, whether in their homes with young children or with teens and aging parents, whether pouring into coworkers between Sunday school lesson plans and laundry – dear pastor’s wife, you’re already serving.
But sometimes, what looks like “selfless, faithful serving” on the outside is actually something different beneath the surface— something I call a kind of pseudo-serving.
Pseudo-serving is serving driven by an insecure identity in Christ- from not truly being able to rest securely in His deep love of them. It’s most often driven by unmet needs shaped by connection deficits in caregiving relationships, in rejection, or in trauma. It can also be a way to earn value or avoid abandonment—a means to hold onto a fragile sense of worth. The chronic inability to rest is driven by a fear that stopping, or limiting, their service might cost them acceptance or approval. Pseudo-serving becomes a survival strategy—a way to manage anxiety and/or avoid feeling unseen or unworthy.
For some, service without consideration of their human limitations can be a strategy for control, self-sufficiency, or emotional distance. The goal is to stay busy so they don’t have to be vulnerable. They might appear capable, efficient, and dependable—but emotionally distant, uncomfortable with closeness, or resistant to being known. For them, service is a way to remain useful while avoiding intimacy or need. But what if we served differently? What if our service flowed from the security of being deeply and unconditionally loved?
Here are 6 ways our service changes when we truly live loved—when we are securely attached to the Vine:
1) From Striving to Surrender
I no longer serve to prove my worth. I now serve from the security of being already loved.
Romans 5:8 – “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Ephesians 2:8–9 – “For by grace you have been saved through faith… not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”
2) From People-Pleasing to God-Pleasing
I no longer serve to avoid disappointing others. I now serve with discernment and obedience to God’s voice.
Galatians 1:10 – “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?… If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
John 5:44 – “How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?”
3) From Identity to Overflow
I no longer serve to define who I am. I now serve as an expression of who I already am in Christ and the gifts He’s placed within me.
2 Corinthians 5:17 – “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation…”
Psalm 139
4) From Desperation to Delight
I no longer serve to get attention or affirmation. I now serve from a place of joy, knowing I am seen by God.
Matthew 6:4 – “Your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”
Zephaniah 3:17 – “He will take great delight in you… He will rejoice over you with singing.”
5) From Guilt to Grace
I no longer serve because I feel guilty when I don’t. I now serve when led, not when pressured.
Matthew 11:28–30 – “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Romans 8:1 – “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
6) From Martyrdom to Stewardship
I no longer sacrifice my health and family to meet every need. I now steward my time, energy, and presence as an offering.
1 Peter 4:10 – “Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace…”
Ecclesiastes 3:1 – “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”
When we begin to truly live loved—resting in the unwavering, secure love of God—it doesn’t just bring emotional comfort; it begins to rewire our inner world. His perfect love speaks directly to the roots of our insecurity, healing relational wounds that once kept us in cycles of striving, performing, and proving. In this kind of love, we are no longer defined by what we do, how others respond to us, or whether we’ve “done enough.” We’re defined by who God says we are: fully known, fully loved, and forever held.
Taking it Further:
Who in your life has been an example of complete, secure love without demands of performance or being attended to?
When have you last rested in God’s secure love?
