I was born on a Sunday. To most this might seem insignificant, but when you’re the pastor’s daughter it becomes pretty memorable. What better day to be born than the one day a week your dad actually has to work. Did you catch the sarcasm there? Well, I have learned that my dad works more than just on Sundays, and no, Sunday was not a convenient time for me to make my first appearance in the world. Just to make a good story even better, four years later, my sister was born on a Sunday, too. Not even a day old and we were inaugurated as the PKs (pastor’s kids). Seven days later we were regular church attendees, and we’ve been going to church on Sundays ever since.
It should come as no surprise that my sister and I have known no different. We were born into this ministry whether we wanted to be or not. It’s certainly a unique life; we are not really missionaries, but not just regular kids either. Ever been embarrassed by your parents? Try being embarrassed in front of a crowd on a Sunday morning. It hits a little different. Making friends? Maybe you are in a church like mine where there is no one your age. Or maybe the other kids just see you as different. I might sound like a “pick-me” (your kids will know what that means), but I think it is a real struggle for some pastors’ kids to know where they belong. Feeling out of place can really make one resent the people who put them there.
A question I have often asked is: Why did God call my parents to be in ministry when I don’t feel like I am? I have never really gotten my answer and it has taken me a while to come to terms with my position. I can’t say that I have fully accepted it, but it certainly helps that I am now an adult and have some separation from my role as a PK. It no longer feels like it defines me. But for a long time that is how I felt, even if it was just the way others saw me.
Most don’t realize how invested a pastor’s family is in the pastor’s job. When the pastor is under fire, the whole family is under fire. Maybe someday I will be able to share more on the subject of church hurt, but long-story-short, it eventually became clear that our family would have to find another place to continue our ministry. For a while I considered giving up on church entirely.
My parents have always tried very hard to make sure that mine and my sister’s needs come before the church. But that doesn’t mean that we haven’t had to see our parents suffer, which in turn has made us suffer. Moreover, moving and having to upend your life for your parents can feel unfair.
I wrestled with God and with my parents about their calling. Why did their calling dictate my life? Why would God allow my sister and me to suffer for a calling that we never agreed to? I never asked for this; to which my dad would say, “I never asked for this either.” He makes a point, but these are thoughts I have often had. I have always felt a little out of place.
As much as I don’t feel called to the same kind of ministry as my parents, I have seen my parents’ dedication to this calling, and that is an example I want to follow in my own life. I want to be faithful to the calling God has for me whatever that may be, and to “press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (NASB, Philippians 3:14).
I like how Charles Spurgeon expresses how we should live based on a heavenly calling:
“Unless you are a stranger here, and heaven is your home, you have not been called with a heavenly calling, for those who have been called from heaven declare that they look for a city that has foundations, whose builder and maker is God, and they find themselves strangers and pilgrims on the earth. Is your calling holy, high, heavenly? Then, beloved, you have been called of God, for such is the calling by which God calls His people” (Spurgeon, 2003).
When I don’t feel like I belong in this church or this ministry, this kingdom, I have to remind myself that I belong in God’s kingdom (Colossians 1:13, Philippians 3:20). When I resent my parents’ calling to ministry, I have to remember that God’s calling in our lives transcends worldly ideals and reaps greater rewards (Colossians 3:23-24). For all Christians share in a heavenly calling (Hebrew 3:1, 2 Timothy 1:8-9) and to a ministry (Matthew 28:19-20) as servants of Christ (Ephesians 4:1).
So, whether you are a fellow PK or a pastor’s wife struggling with how to raise one, never forget that our heavenly calling is more important than anything else we accomplish on earth. Each person’s life will reflect that calling differently, and we will all suffer in unique ways. But we will also be rewarded for our perseverance. Ultimately whatever happens here will be but a moment compared to the eternity we will have in our heavenly home.
“Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord or of me His prisoner, but join with me in suffering for the gospel according to the power of God, who saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace, which was granted to us in Christ Jesus from all eternity, but has now been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel” (NASB, 2 Timothy 1:8-10).
Taking it further…
I encourage you to use these discussion questions below to guide a conversation with your child (ren)/parent.
Questions for the pastor’s kid:
- Do you resent the calling your parents have been given? Consider why they have chosen a ministry life and do not be afraid to ask them about it. It is okay if you don’t want to follow in their footsteps. Remember that God’s calling for your parents might not be the same as yours.
- Do you feel that ministry life is getting in the way of your relationship with your parents? Do you sometimes feel like the ministry gets priority? If so, pray that God would give you wisdom and an opportunity to tell your parents that you feel this way.
- Do you know what God is calling you to do? Maybe you do or maybe you don’t, but never cease to pray for God’s guidance and remember that His calling will always be harder but with far more reward.
Questions for raising the pastor’s kid:
- Do you push your kids to be involved in the church as much as you and your husband? Do you prioritize the ministry over them? Ask your kids if they feel prioritized or if they feel neglected. This might be scary, but never forget that your greatest and most important ministry is your kids.
- Do your kids have a special skill or talent that they can use in the church? Encourage them to use it and allow them to have some say in where and how they are involved in the ministry. Be patient with them if they aren’t ready to serve.
- Have you given your kids the opportunity to find friendships and experiences outside of the church? Do not be afraid to let them see beyond the church to the ministry opportunities outside of it. Encourage them to seek God’s calling in their own life.
Works Cited
Bible Gateway. “New American Standard Bible.” Biblegateway.com, 2020, www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-American-Standard-Bible-NASB/.
Spurgeon, Charles H. “A Holy Calling.” Truthforlife.org, edited by Alistair Begg, 2003, www.truthforlife.org/resources/daily-devotionals/10/11/0/.