“Hey, honey. Are you busy today, or can you come up to the church to help me with some things?” Insert my husband’s hopeful, cheesy grin here.
I took a long look at my list of things I hoped to accomplish: some household chores, my own church work, and, surprisingly, working on this article about what ministry looks like for couples in different seasons of life. Billy and his perfect timing, right?
When Billy and I got engaged, we were flooded with helpful pre-marriage books and advice, as well as counseling sessions with a local Pastor in Puerto Rico, so we could fly back to Indiana ready to get married in six months. The advice we got ranged from spiritual to practical. Did you know the importance of knowing which direction your future spouse liked their toilet paper roll to face? Yet somehow, in all of that advice, no one thought to sit down with us to talk through what ministry life would look like when we got married.
My youthful enthusiasm pledged to continue doing everything in ministry alongside my soon-to-be youth pastor husband. We could lead Bible studies with the teens, plan service projects, and go on mission trips; serving would be bliss! That bliss lasted until our honeymoon, when we were blessed with our first pregnancy, and I immediately hit morning sickness and mood swings, transitioning nicely after his emergency birth into postpartum depression.
Fast forward twenty-three years and many seasons, and I still have moments when I feel like that new mom trying to balance family and ministry. God has been tugging at my heart in this area, so I want to share with you not my perfection, but my learning.
Defining My Ministry Role is a Matter Between Me, My Husband, and God.
So often, I hear from other pastors’ wives the frustration that the churches they are in have a BOGO mentality. Hire the Pastor and get the wife for free! We interviewed at several churches that were just as interested in what I could bring to the table as they were in whether my husband would be a good fit as pastor. I bring a wealth of ministry experience and a range of skills, as God has been refining me for ministry, just as He has been refining Billy. However, churches need to get away from the one-size-fits-all role of a pastor’s wife. My role doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s. My role as a pastor’s wife is uniquely mine and will change according to my season of life. I am very blessed that the church we ended up serving wanted me to serve where I found joy rather than where they had gaps to fill. God created me in His image and saw that I was good. I don’t need to earn or prove anything within our ministry. What a joint ministry looks like for Billy and me is a conversation for us to have and pray over, not a conversation between us and our church.
Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” “And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. ” Genesis 1:26, 31
Joint Ministry Begins in Our Home
Our ministry joys turned into my ministry struggles as I tried to figure out how to keep my head above water in our new season as a family while serving in the ways I thought I should.
There have been moments in our ministry where I have slipped into filling in every gap. Because God has equipped me for my role, I possess a skill set that can easily lead me in various areas, from Children’s Ministry to Graphic Design. However, being equipped for all of those roles does not mean I am called to those roles. From the beginning of Genesis, God shows our role as the helpmate to our husbands. God has given us the freedom to utilize that role in various ways throughout different seasons. How often do I redefine my husband as “the church” and try to carry the load to help his ministry, feeling that if I am not physically present with Billy, helping him carry the load, then I am not doing my part?
As Billy’s helpmate, my goal is to support him in his roles as my husband and then as my pastor. During the season when we had kids at home, my calling was to invest in our children’s health, spiritual formation, character, and education. That is a full-time ministry and one worthy of our calling! (Proverbs 1:8-9; 6:20-22) During that season, I also chose to take on Children’s Ministry at our church because I wanted a program for my kids that would give them a spiritual foundation as well as equip them for moving into youth ministry, where Billy was called at that time. Serving in this way was serving my family and providing for the entire church, something I wanted for my own kids. There were moments of feeling overwhelmed and moments of frustration, but that was my joint calling in ministry during that season.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Genesis 2:18
Recognize and Re-evaluate as New Seasons Come
Now, our season is at the beginning of being empty nesters, and we are shifting yet again. Since my focus on our adult children continues to lessen as they move out on their own, we are re-evaluating what joint ministry will look like in this next phase. We have had serious and challenging conversations about me taking on less at church and not more during this season. God has laid things on my heart that involve ministries outside of our church walls, and we are making space for me to pursue those opportunities as God leads. God will not allow me, our family, or our church to
flourish if I hold fast to my season of planting when He is clearly calling me to a season of harvesting.
“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen,” I Peter 4:10-11
Recognizing and re-evaluating our seasons of life, both at home and in ministry, are crucial to serving out of our calling and not out of others’ expectations. God has not called me to hold up the church by myself, but to use my gifts in His strength to bring Him glory. When I push outside of those boundaries, I find myself exhausted, frustrated, and in a strained relationship with my husband. It is essential to distinguish between being available for ministry and being accessible in ministry. Availability relies on God; accessibility depends on me.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:” Ecclesiastes 3:1
Taking it Further
Ask yourself the following: Am I allowing my home and family to be my primary ministry? Where am I prioritizing To Do lists over relationships? What strengths has God given me that should guide me in serving our church context?